Life, Relationships

Love you BEFORE you Love them

Building a healthy relationship with yourself and coming from a place of self understanding and security enables you to choose and build healthier relationships. If you are coming from a toxic self destructive place you won’t see the right relationship when it’s in front of you. Instead you will seek out or settle for destructive relationships that only make your life more miserable and hard.


So how do we start to self-love? It’s not easy you can’t flip a switch and suddenly be okay with everything. Often you need to be open to letting those who do care about you show you and teach you this love. You have to let them show you how they love the parts of you that you may not see until you look through their eyes.

You could say positive things to yourself, about yourself, all day but until you are open to others and their love for you, you will not see what’s good for very long. Self love is a constant learning process and a constant test of forgiveness and understanding.

People who see your true self. People who encourage you and pick you up when you fall. Those who don’t get jealous of your talent or tear you down. They are the people who can show you what pure relationships and love are. If you have someone like this in your life share more with them and build more relationships like this so that when you have a romantic relationship you will be more ready for what could be amazing and also more alert for what could be wrong for you.

Maybe you have never experienced much real love growing up. Maybe you still don’t have people who can show you what’s great about you. That’s hard and sad but…. that’s okay. You can move on from here as much as your past may still hurt you and cling to you like a blood sucking tick, you can shake it off, you can put it aside and create the friendships that show you the love you have been missing.

Having a damaged past can often create a damaged person. That person is then attracted to other damaged people and although it can be nice to meet someone you feel can “Understand you” what is the point if YOU can’t understand you. If the love you have known has been harmful and toxic how will you know how to love another?


Step one if you have only been exposed to unhealthy love is to recognise this. See it with eyes wide open. See what was wrong with that love and why you don’t want that anymore.

I was once told “Bunny ears up!” when I was discussing past problems and it’s an image that has stuck with me when it comes to relationships. Your ears are up, listening. Scanning. Seeing. You are self aware and you are ready to remove yourself from a possible danger because you now know what a danger looks like. Keeping those bunny ears up is an act of self-love.


Accept your past self and your current self and you will see a happier future self. You have flaws and that’s perfect because so does everyone else. Everyone has weaknesses but you are not your weaknesses. Embrace the things that are great about you. You have talents even if you have not discovered them yet. People in your past may have picked on your flaws over emphasising them in your mind to make you feel inadequate but you have so much goodness in you so much potential to be unleashed. Learn from your past but don’t let it ruin your future. Constantly being critical or comparing yourself with others is not healthy and will not serve you well. Be the wonderful individual you can be and leave the negativity of others behind.


As hard as you try there will be days that are harder than others but you need to know that now so that you are better mentally prepared for when it does happen. It can be hard to get to a place where you feel positive most of the time especially if you have been through a lot of hardship. Have a game plan for cheering yourself up when this happens. Meditate, listen to music, dance to your favourite song exercise and FOCUS. Focus on what makes you happy. On what is positive. Focus on the fact you want to move past these feelings into a better place.


When you do start to feel the love for yourself and others around you let it swallow you up. Dive into it like you may have previously dived into the sadness and darkness. It’s good that you feel happy. It feels good to feel happy. You feel alive when you feel love. When you feel it go out into the world and share it with family and friends don’t hide it away or push it aside. you may not understand fully yet why you are feeling all this positivity but embrace it and show it to others.

Encourage these feelings to grow with positive affirmations, meditation, acts of self-care or doing something you enjoy.


Do you realise all the things you have going on that you should be grateful for? Write them down every day and you will start to see that the list just keeps getting longer as time goes on. You are alive! Living! Breathing! reading this article! Well…..unless you are some sort of vampire or some other ghostly creature…. but that is something to be grateful for. Tomorrow is always a new day to achieve new things so be grateful for all the things you have! Every day you will discover so much more if you try. People forget so many things when the very fact you are alive and breathing means you can try again tomorrow!


When you start serving others and performing acts of kindness just out of love you will start to feel it and receive it. It will help you form meaningful relationships and show you that bringing happiness to other and showing compassion and consideration of others will bring you some much completion and joy. Not only thing but showing your kindness to others shows you a kinder side to the world and it distracts you from being so hard on yourself and it focuses your mind on more positive things.

Show kindness be giving towards others and you will feel complete.


Be Patient and understand that the right person is out there but you must start with you first. There is no other way as it would be like going through life with a blindfold on, carrying the weight of the past on your back and driving the anger, disappointment and hatred you feel for yourself like a knife through your chest for all time and expecting to attract good love and give good love with that. You must be prepared to put in some me time. It’s not only okay to do it, it’s necessary for a healthy, happy life.

Please remember that counselling and professionals are there for you and will help you open the doorway to a happier you. Never be afraid to seek help from a therapist or reach out to family and friends. A better life and relationship is waiting for you to become the best you that you can be.

To Laugh at yourself is to love yourself – Mickey Mouse

You Are Unique, you are worthy of love and you are a source of wonderful things- Cara



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