I remember being told that it was normal for couples to fight. Even if the way I witnessed them fight was absolutely horrendous. Eventually I noticed that yes indeed couples can “argue” they can disagree this is part of figuring out how to work together but when it becomes an actual fight to co-exist together there is something seriously wrong.
A lot of couples get locked into a relationship where they feel the need to justify their arguments and constant disagreements to themselves. They convince themselves they can make things work despite the fact they sometimes feel like drowning each other in the bathtub. You find yourself caught in a circle, a circle that should symbolise love ever lasting, but instead symbolises a pool of circling sharks that are very ready to tear you limb from limb…they are only in the circle until they eat you too and then they go their separate ways.
You attach yourself to a person who if you stood back and really looked with truthful eyes you would see that your personalities clash like pink jeans and a yellow t-shirt. Maybe your significant other loves something more than you, alcohol, gambling, work. Maybe they ignore your feelings and your goals in life. Maybe it is so bad that they are abusive to you on both a psychological and physical level. Maybe they can’t and will never be able to listen and understand you because they are too self centred.
I remember being told I could change a man who was not right for me. This kind of belief especially if it comes from those you trust around you can further solidify the pressure you feel to fix it, to hang on, to rationalise their behaviour.
Look with fresh eyes and ask yourself, are your living in constant dysfunction? Is there constant arguing, fighting, belittling, soul crushing heartache? Are you two perfect for the Jeremy Kyle show? or an episode of springer? Well then you are probably not right for eachother…sorry.
Here are 8 reasons why you stay with someone who is not right for you:
1) You’re afraid to be alone
This is not always an easy truth to face but you feel like you just can’t go through life by yourself. You feel like you will never be fulfilled on your own. It can be scary being on your own and relying on just your own brain to make decisions and to provide yourself with comfort. We panic and jump from one relationship to the other because we think the next one just has to be the right one. In reality you need to wait a while, work on liking yourself first. Figure out what you would like from your future partner and then seek that out. Don’t settle. I truly believe there is a somebody for everybody but it wont happen until you are truly ready. Work on you and the rest will follow.
Being alone may scare you, but being in a bad relationship will damage you – unknown
2)You have gotten used to being treated badly
Maybe you witnessed troubled relationships growing up. You have learnt from witnessing these things that it is okay to treat someone badly, to hurt them, punish them, disrespect them or frighten them. You allow yourself to live in a world where complicated, hurtful love is normal.
Love is never hurtful, never hateful,
love just is love,
it knows no boundaries, love is pure – Cara – Lovefromcara.com
3) You think that is what you deserve
You have started to believe the things your partner is telling you about yourself. You decide to sink under their hurtful ways rather than fight. You imprison yourself in your own belief that this is all you can have. You think that this is as good as it gets. Well it’s not. You are worthy of love my dear, you are worthy of respect and a relationship that holds kindness and understanding.
4) The unknown is scary
You have tied yourself to this person, maybe you have children, maybe you have a house, maybe you are married to this person. That does not mean there is not a better life for you and it does not mean you can’t find love, real love. It is not going to be easy to leave if you have big ties to someone but the results of this change will eventually bring you where you are meant to be. Have faith, please hold onto that for me.
Sure you don’t know when the good stuff will happen, all you know is this is going to be painful. You don’t know what will happen but jumping into this unknown water to eventually feel alive and free is better than sinking and dying with the ship.
Your mind does not like change especially if its to an unknown destination, So remember it is normal to battle with this.
If you’re brave enough
to say goodbye
Life will reward you
with a new hello
5) It’s going to hurt
The future is uncertain and all you know for sure is this is going to hurt bad! You will go through a rainbow of emotions, you are even going to have moments where even if this person has been bad to you, you will miss them. You just have to remind yourself of why they are not right for you.
The moment you start to question if you deserve better, you do.
6)You will feel like you failed
You will probably feel like a failure or ashamed that you have put your faith in someone that was not right for you. I want you to know you have not failed this is a part of life and learning and you should use this knowledge to help yourself grow. Congratulations you have learnt something about what you DON’T want from a partner……this is good isn’t it?
7) YOU are not fully developed
We are drawn to finding that one special someone from an early age. It’s in our instinct to find our mate. In all this rush we forget all about working on ourselves first. If you are broken on the inside and feel no love for yourself what kind of relationships do you think you will create?
If you constantly criticise yourself and are hurtful to yourself, then you find a person who does the same to you, then you will just accept that you deserve that. If you take time to know yourself and also learn more life wisdom, you will know you deserve to be treated well and you will recognise when the right person finally comes along.
8) You are not just losing them
Maybe if you leave this person you are going to be losing friends and family too. Maybe you feel like you will lose a little of your identity. Understand that this life with this person is not meant for you and there is another one waiting out there. You are also losing the romanticised version of the two of you, the way you had pictured it at the start. You will no longer be two, you will no longer be recognised as two. you will be one again. Just you.
Trust your instincts my lovelies and remember there is no point in staying with someone who is not right for you. Don’t be afraid that you will not find someone because you will and if this relationship is soul crushing and making you sad all the time that is your answer, that is your heart and soul saying this person is not right for you.
I am here to say it is not normal to fight all the time. It is not normal to hurt the one you are supposed to love. It is not normal to ignore their feelings, hopes and dreams and to keep forcing yourself together with someone who is not right for you. One of you will break and if you do, you will lose yourself even more.
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